Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It's like God shit irony all over that family
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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