I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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