I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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