I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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