can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
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Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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