I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize