im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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