the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
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