she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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