I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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