we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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