THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize