So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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