6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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