Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
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I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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