come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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