now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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