you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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