I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
