it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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