Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
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once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize