i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
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It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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