I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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