I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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