I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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