Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
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I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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