Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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