I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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