Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
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You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
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I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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