Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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