smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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