Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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