It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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