sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
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The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
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Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize