well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
