I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
