and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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