saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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