Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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