If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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