I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
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You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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