He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
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My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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