Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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