I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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