lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
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Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
you made out with another girl for some wings
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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