Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
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Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize