My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
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So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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