dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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