The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed is full of blood and feathers
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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