I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
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Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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