Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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